One such assignment was due to a rash of tomb desecrations up at Tujunga Cemetery. Someone had twice broken into an elaborate mausoleum where a ritzy family stored its dead in marble crypt drawers. They had pried open the tomb's heavy iron gate and broken the seals to the burial drawers. Then they had actually undressed three of the corpses and put on their clothes. At least, it seemed like that from the way the corpses' clothing was lying in piles a considerable distance from the naked bodies.

The cemetery manager wanted the desecration stopped once and for all. He told his problem to Big Mike's minister and the minister, after a lot of tearful soul searching and praying, decided to turn the Iron Cross loose on the ghouls.

He called up Big Mike one evening and told him about the awful goings on. He said the culprits had come around several times but would stay away when police were posted. The cemetery manager was willing to pay one hundred dollars each to up to four bikers if they would catch or forever drive off the creeps.

The first thing Big Mike did when he took the contract was to phone Gargantua. Gargantua lived in a cottage in the Glendale unit of Forest Lawn Memorial Park. He was a grave digger and caretaker.

Big Mike had never been to the cottage but knew how to get there. The phone was busy for a half hour so he decided to take the plunge and go over there. He got to the main gate just before the cemetery closed and went up the winding road to the worker's quarters.

He knocked on the cottage door and it was opened by Gargantua's sleek wife, Andra. She was a pale beauty with silky, black hair. She wore a long, black dress and seemed to be trying to look like Morticia of the Addams Family.

Andra knew Big Mike from being at several parties. She let him right in and he stood staring at the weird surroundings. The room was dimly lit and the air was heavy with incense. The walls were hung with hippy posters and magical symbols. The most prominent was a poster over the mantelpiece, a huge upside down star with a horned goat's head in it surrounded by more magic symbols. On the mantle was a human skull with black candles burning on either side.

Gargantua's little girl, Ariel, was sitting at a desk listening to the phone. At short intervals she would speak such comments as, "Nonsense. So very paranoid. Oh, really oogly."

Andra explained, "She's listening to dial-a-prayer. She can't understand that it's only a recording. She's only five and she's wonderful with words but she hasn't got her concepts down yet. So she dials it over and over thinking the speaker is fixated or something."

Andra said to Ariel, "Ariel, put down the phone and meet Mike Brown, the president of Daddy's motorcycle club. He's a Christian."

The little girl looked up at Big Mike and said, "A Christian? That's all right. Daddy says the Great Pumpkin tolerates all kinds of notions."

Big Mike asked about Gargantua and Andra said, "Oh, he's in some grave somewhere. That's his job and he does it very well. I'm proud of him."

Just then Gargantua came in and greeted Big Mike then went into the kitchen for beer. Ariel came out of her room with a bowl and started flicking water at Big Mike.

Big Mike jumped back and Andra said, "Oh, isn't that sweet? She's sprinkling you with defiled water. She likes you."

Big Mike said, "Hell, I don't want to be defiled. Get that stuff away, kid."

Andra said, "It's only Holy Water that's been used in a black mass. It's to keep the demons and elementals around here from attaching themselves to you. It's sort of like that stuff you put on furniture and bushes to keep dogs away."

Big Mike calmed down and Gargantua gave him a beer and they went over and sat on the sofa. Big Mike told about the ghouls and Gargantua was delighted at the prospect of catching them.

After a while, Big Mike got used to the strange atmosphere of the place. He even got interested in their lives and asked Andra if she really liked being among all the dead in Forest Lawn.

She said, "Well, actually, I'd like anywhere just being with Gar. But I do sometimes dream of a little graveyard like in Louisiana, you know, with Spanish moss hanging from the trees. I'd like something personal and intimate like that and with real tombstones. Here in Forest Lawn it's so business-like with only brass plaques on the ground instead of stones. I'd like a more informal place like, so I could let my hair down as it were. How about you, Gar?"

Gargantua said, "Oh, I don't know, honey. The gods have been good to us. I've got a nice little family. I've got a job I can do. I couldn't be more contented if I was buried under a rock."

The next night was Thursday and Big Mike, Gargantua, Paranoid George and Pinocchio went to the Tujunga Cemetery. They inspected the Mausoleum and Paranoid George immediately went to pulling open the three drawers that had been broken into. "Hey, man," he said, "there ain't no bodies in here."

Gargantua said, "Well, stupid, do you think they would just pick up the bodies and plop them back in and shut the drawers? They got 'em in storage until we clear this mess up. I swear, Paranoid, you don't have a real brain. What you got is a bunch of nerve endings like a goddam frog."

"Oh, yeah?" said Paranoid George.

The Tujunga Cemetery caretaker was there and he said, "Look here on the floor. Wasn't this some kind of design in chalk?"

Gargantua examined the floor and answered, "I can make out a pentagram and where there were some symbols. They've rubbed it out pretty well so I can't make out what kind of ritual they were doing. But they were sure enough doing more than just prancing around in the corpses' clothes. By the way, he asked the caretaker, "When's the last time they were here?"

The caretaker replied, "They were here last Friday night that we know of. But they saw the police and ran off. Private police have been here nearly every night since then but the boss thinks they just scare the creeps off. But they don't catch 'em or do nothing."

Gargantua said, "Okay, I think they just come around on Fridays. That's their night, man. Fridays are good for witchcraft. There's something about this mausoleum they like for their rites. This being only Thursday, we'll be here and ready for 'em tomorrow night and there won't be any cops and we'll get 'em, you'll see."

The caretaker went home and the bikers wandered around in the graveyard. About ten o'clock they saw a car drive in and stop near a freshly dug grave. They sneaked up to the car and listened to the man and woman inside talking.
The woman was saying, "But you're the weirdest. You're awful weird. Who ever heard of making out in a grave?"

The man answered, "Well, how are we going to keep our marriage together if you don't let me get my jollies? Besides, you agreed at home. Now you're getting cold feet."

She said, "Better cold feet than a cold back. If we could only use a blanket."

While they argued Gargantua signaled the others to move away from the car. When they were out of earshot he outlined a plan for a practical joke he had in mind. The couple got out of the car and climbed down into the grave and undressed. Gargantua led the bikers to the caretaker's shack and they got four shovels.

When they got back to the grave the man was grunting and the woman was lying there complaining "You're weird. Your own mother says you're weird."

When Gargantua plunged his shovel into one of the two piles of earth on either side of the grave, the others did too and began filling up the hole. The couple was in an instant panic and fell back several times. Being hit by several face fulls of earth did not help any. The grave was one-third full before they managed to scramble out naked and run to their car.

When they got the engine going and sped out of the cemetery, the bikers collapsed laughing. Then Gargantua jumped down into the grave and dug up the clothing. The man's wallet held about two hundred dollars which he shared with the others. All in all, the graveyard business could be pretty good if you worked all the angles.

Nothing more was expected to happen that night so they knocked off and went partying along Sunset Boulevard. After the bars closed they agreed to meet at Big Mike's the next evening.

The next night when Gargantua showed up he had a Max Factor makeup kit from Rexall's on Hollywood and Vine. He also had four black robes his Group used in witchcraft rites.

His idea was to make the bikers up like haunts and create a sort of Halloween party out of that night's vigil. The others were pleased with the idea so Gargantua went to work with an expertise that would have gotten him a job in Hollywood.

First he rubbed white grease paint all over Big Mike's face and hair. Then he painted his eye sockets black and blackened both sides of his nose. Next he lined in teeth over the upper and lower lips. When he combed Big Mike's hair straight out on all sides he looked like a terrified skeleton.
All he did to Pinocchio was to cover his face with gray grease paint and paint his eye sockets black. With his German flak helmet on, Pinocchio looked like a real goblin.

When he got to Paranoid George he wiped a yellowish, green paint all over his face and used a blue eye shadow to darken his eyes. When he was finished Paranoid George looked like a vampire straight out of his coffin searching wildly about for any stray throat.

Gargantua made himself up the same way and they all got ready to go back to the cemetery. Instead of taking the camper this time it was decided that it would be better to take the motorcycles in case they had to chase the ghouls around the graveyard.

Since Gargantua was so close to the cemetery business, he planned the strategy. He figured the ghouls, on impulse, would try the previously opened drawers before breaking into new ones. For all the ghouls would know, the cemetery owners might have put the bodies back.

Gargantua thought it would be great fun for him and Paranoid George to be in a couple of the drawers waiting for the ghouls. Paranoid George was the only one besides Gargantua who would consider hiding in the burial crypt drawer. Big Mike and Pinocchio preferred to lurk outside in wait for the culprits. To them, it was just a job to be done as simply as possible. To Gargantua this kind of thing was something he could shine at and really show class. To Paranoid George it was no different from any other day in his way of life.

It was only about eight o'clock in the evening when the bikers mounted their motorcycles and rode to the cemetery. Pinocchio had several six-packs tied to his sissy bars and Paranoid George had a gallon jug of Red Mountain Burgundy tied to his.

Before going to the mausoleum the four decided to test their makeup and costumes on the people in the lover's lane on the other side of the cemetery. The place was known as "Stick Finger Gulch" by lovers of all ages and sexes. Unlike most lovers lanes, which only attract peeping toms and muggers for a sideline, Stick Finger Gulch attracted graveyard freaks which made the place a lot more risky.

There was a full moon out and hip-deep ground fog covered the area suggesting a scene from one of the old Wolfman movies. About fifteen cars had parked in various nooks and crannies around the clearing. The bikers had parked their scooters about a thousand yards away and tiptoed around the cars figuring out the best way to terrorize the occupants.

Nearly all the cars had a man and a woman in each, mostly in the back seat. In the back seat of one car was a pair of Muscle Beach type fairies who had gone so far as to put their pants on the front seat and leave the door unlocked. They were asking for it and their was no other way to look at it.

Outside of one car a peeping tom degenerate was slobbering and twitching. He was also a graveyard freak since he was playing with a ceremonial dagger and wore a Satanic amulet around his neck. Gargantua had a natural hatred for this type. Such people were always digging up samples of grave earth and stealing flowers from his own cemetery.

Although Gargantua had no feelings for the people in Stick Finger Gulch, he was about as civic minded as most citizens. Besides, the peeping tom might profit from a good working over. It might even cause him to direct his fantasies along lines safer to himself and others.

The four bikers sneaked behind the peeping tom and stopped his mouth and dragged him back in the bushes. They didn't really brutalize him. They just mainly slapped him around until he was dizzy. They they stripped him naked and hustled him over to the car with the fairies in the back seat.

They opened the car's door and Pinocchio snatched the two pairs of pants off the front seat. They then forced the weirdo into the driver's seat. The knife had been confiscated by Paranoid George and he waved it under the noses of the shrieking fairies. He told them to shut up and said to the peeping tom, "Now you prevert, there's the keys in the dash. You rev up this here car and drive it to hell clear off this place."

The peeping tom got the car going in seconds and went peeling out of Stick Finger Gulch and off toward Hollywood. The bikers were tickled at the many sticky situations the three in the car would have to face before they were safely in their own homes.

Big Mike and the others went back with the pants to where they had left the peeping tom's clothes. When they went through the three wallets they found themselves richer by over a hundred dollars in cash and several credit cards. When they examined the I.D.'s they were surprised to find that both the peeping tom and one of the fairies were members of the L.A.P.D. vice squad.

It was only nine p.m. and Gargantua was sure the ghouls would not show up until later. Besides, he figured the rest of the lovers owed them some laughs for their protection. The bikers were not quite sure of the best way to get a laugh when they would have to leave pretty soon but while they were thinking of something outrageous they busied themselves with letting all the air out of all the tires. They worked as a team. They would surround a car and each would jam a key into the tire valve and the car would settle at all four wheels at the same time.

When all the cars were ready, the bikers went to the one nearest to the exit lane. They all stood where their shadows would be cast into the car's interior. Most of the occupants reacted immediately. As soon as they saw those four monsters looking in at them from the swirling fog, the lovers untangled and began screaming like banshees.

One by one the cars' engines were started and they were driven, their deflated tires flip-flopping, down the lane. When they had wallowed to the highway they lurched crazily all over both lanes and the traffic jam was complete. In a few minutes half-naked men could be seen going from car to car pleading for a tire pump.

The bikers went through the woods skirting the crowded lane and started their motorcycles. Then they went back to the cemetery. When they got to the mausoleum, they parked their scooters behind some bushes. Big Mike and Pinocchio stayed behind the bushes with the cycles while Gargantua and Paranoid George went inside.

Gargantua pulled open a lower drawer and told Paranoid George to hop in. Paranoid George climbed in with his gallon of red Burgundy. Then he nestled in the drawer with the bottle, looking like a big baby vampire in his crib.

Instead of getting wiped out and going to sleep, Paranoid George decided he would rather talk. He didn't understand the situation and he was probably a little scared, too. He shouted out, "Hey, Gargantua, how come those creeps want to mess with the dead bodies?"

Gargantua yelled back, "Some people believe bodies are magic. They use them in rituals. Some people steal bodies just to sell parts of them, especially the skulls. Witchcraft groups will pay up to a hundred bucks for a skull."

Paranoid George said, "Hey, that sounds like a winner. What say I rip off a lot of skulls; would you sell them for me? I'd give you three per cent."

Gargantua answered, "I ain't fencing skulls, man. I can tell you people who'll handle skulls and like that but I don't believe in that kind of traffic. Besides that kind of stuff is bad luck. Real bad luck. And how would you like it if you were dead and comfortable and all and some nut comes along and rips off your skull?"

Paranoid George said, "Hell, man, that wouldn't bother me. Anyway, I'm going to leave my body to science."

"Don't do it, Paranoid," said Gargantua. "Your body would set science back a hundred years. Might even upset the space program. Jesus!"

Paranoid George was touchy about being short and stocky. Gargantua had always kidded him about being part gnome or a secret troll so any ribbing enraged him. He hollered, "You want to know the truth, Gargantua? You're crazy, that's what. You're always putting me down and I'll not stand for it. What I'm going to do is I'm going to take my knife and cut off your left foot and throw it in the garbage. Then I'm going to put the rest of you in various places around the city. I mean it. You just wait, man. Right in the guts."

After a little more good natured quarreling they quieted down and Paranoid George went to sleep. About that time, the ghouls had made their way to the mausoleum. They came in and lit some candles.

There were five of them. They seemed about college age and only two of them had long hair and looked any different from average students.

They had brought chalk and incense and began setting up for a ritual. Big Mike and Pinocchio sneaked from behind the bushes and crept up silently and hid out of sight by both sides of the entrance.

After placing their candles on ledges, the ghouls drew a large five-pointed star on the floor. Then one of them lit some incense in a burner and put it and a candle on the floor in the center of the star. When they were nearly ready and one was leafing through a book of spells, another of the ghouls went over to the wall and began opening the crypt drawers to see if the bodies had been put back.

The top drawer was empty and the second drawer held Gargantua. When Gargantua's drawer was opened, he waited a moment for the ghoul's surprised reaction then he reached out and grabbed him by the throat and roared.

The ghouls just about jumped out of their skins. They undoubtedly had been working themselves up to a good scare anyway but an uncalled for monster was far more frightening than any they could have conjured up themselves. The flickering candles made the scene that much more ghostly and terrifying. One of the ghouls visibly wet his pants.

Big Mike and Pinocchio slammed the heavy gate shut and yelled. Then they shoved their arms through the bars like they were reaching for the ghouls.

One of the wretches fainted dead away and another fell to his knees praying. The other three were just running around screaming and gibbering like baboons while Gargantua climbed slowly out of the crypt.

After about a minute of watching their hysteria, Big Mike opened the gate to let them out. The idea was to give them such a fright or beating that they would never come back. Since the ghouls were terrified almost to the point of insanity, the bikers figured they might as well herd them out of the area and forget them.

When Big Mike opened the gate, he and Pinocchio ran to their scooters. The three ghouls running around went tearing madly off the path with Big Mike and Pinocchio after them on their bikes. Gargantua stepped over the fainted ghoul and walked past the one on his knees. He left the mausoleum and got on his motorcycle and roared out to cut the runners off.

He went over a low hill and plunged into a mound of earth by another open grave. He vaulted off his bike and went head first into the hole and knocked himself out.

Big Mike and Pinocchio herded the three ghouls over a fourteen foot bank. They could see them leaping out into space with their legs still working. When they landed one fell down but the other two hardly missed a step.

After watching the thee runners out of sight, Big Mike and Pinocchio went back to the mausoleum. They heard Gargantua hollering from the grave and went and dragged him out. He was unhurt but his bike was stuck into one of the mounds with a bent front wheel.

When they got back to the mausoleum the two other ghouls had left. In his drawer, Paranoid George was kicking and screaming and trying to get out. If they hadn't gone back for him, he could never have gotten out.

When they opened the drawer he sat up with his empty gallon wine bottle. He was slobbering and out of his mind. He was so drunk that when he woke up in the darkness and could not get out, he actually believed he had been interred. He clambered out of the drawer yelling, "Buried alive! Buried alive!"

Then he ran out to his bike and roared off into the night screeching over and over, "Buried alive!"

Big Mike and Pinocchio left Gargantua with his bent up machine and went to get the camper. They came back soon and loaded up Gargantua's scooter.

When Paranoid George made his way out of the cemetery, he wandered around for quite a while before finding his way back to Glendale. He was cold and drunk. Feeling a maudlin need for some warmth and spiritual comfort he stopped by a Catholic church and parked his bike.

He went up the broad steps and opened the door and looked inside. There was no one around so he went into the lobby and peered around the corner at the altar down in the front of the church. There was a priest busy arranging some candles and a couple of worshipers kneeling in prayer.

Stumbling around sadly like the beaten sinner he was, he found an open confessional and went in and sat down. To his credit, he did not know where he was. When he closed the confessional door its darkness might have reminded him of the crypt but there was a grille in the side for the confessor to talk through. It let in just enough light to make the place cozy.

Soon he slumped over and went fast asleep. Sometime very early the next morning, he accidentally hit the switch turning on the lighted sign which read, "Priest Is In." It was probably because the light was on that no real priest opened the door to the confessional.

About seven o'clock a beautifully built girl sat down at the grille and began her confession. "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Paranoid George woke up to hear the girl going on to tell about what she had done with, to and for her boyfriend last night. He listened in amazement as she described positions he could only imagine in a motorcycle pileup. She painted a picture that would make the average skin flick look like an old Victorian morality play.

Paranoid George still had no idea where he was. All he knew was that a girl he could barely make out through the grille was telling him the horniest story and had to be hot and wanting him.

When her message was only too clear to him, he said, "Okay, baby, let's make it. My place or yours?"

For a minute the girl could not believe what she had heard. When it finally registered she started screaming and going into hysterics. That brought five priests and a bunch of citizens running. She pointed to the confessional and shrieked, "That goddam priest in there propositioned me!"

The citizens were shocked and the monsignor who was with the priests jerked open the confessional door. When the priests got over their amazement at seeing Paranoid George sitting there in his black robe and vampire makeup, they dragged him out and stood him on his feet.

When the girl got a good look at him, she hollered, "I confessed to that? Jesus, God Almighty; what is it? It look like a Muppet!"

The monsignor shouted, "Young man, how dare you sit in there and take a confession. You're undoubtedly disturbed. Made up like that you must be against everything the Lord stands for. You must be some kind of devil."

"No I ain't," Paranoid George raged. "I'm a Christian. I was saved at a showing of Elmer Gantry."

Then he turned and bolted out of the church. He hopped on his scooter and tore off down the street yelling, "Buried alive! Buried alive!"

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