Southern Baptist

On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. 

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. 

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, 

"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" 

Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. 

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. 

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" 

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" 

Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" 

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. 

"I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!" 

 Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. 

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" 

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in. 

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. 

He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done? 

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" 

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.."

John’s Chicken Farm

John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called “pullets” and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama’s bell hadn’t rung at all. When he went to investigate, he saw that the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work. He had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Obama that he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Obama was a politician.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully this fall. The bells are not always audible.

Newt Gingrich - "Victory Or Death"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=US&v=qtjfMjjce2Y