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Welcome
To Our "Forwarded Pages
& Other Goodies" Section |
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Marc R.
Subject: Political Science For Dummies
Political
Science for Dummies
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You
have two cows.
Your neighbor has
none.
You feel guilty for
being successful.
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You
have two cows.
Your neighbor has
none.
So?
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You
have two cows.
The government takes
one and gives it to
your neighbor.
You form a
cooperative to tell
him how to manage
his cow.
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You
have two cows.
The government
seizes both and
provides you with
milk.
You wait in line for
hours to get it.
It is expensive and
sour.
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CAPITALISM,
AMERICAN STYLE
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You
have two cows.
You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a
herd of cows.
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BUREAUCRACY,
AMERICAN STYLE
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You
have two cows.
Under the new farm
program the
government pays you
to shoot one, milk
the other, and then
pours the milk down
the drain.
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You
have two cows.
You sell one, lease
it back to yourself
and do an IPO on the
2nd one.
You force the two
cows to produce the
milk of four cows.
You are surprised
when one cow drops
dead. You spin an
announcement to the
analysts stating you
have downsized and
are reducing
expenses.
Your stock goes up.
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You
have two cows.
You go on strike
because you want
three cows.
You go to lunch and
drink wine.
Life is good.
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You
have two cows.
You redesign them so
they are one-tenth
the size of an
ordinary cow and
produce twenty times
the milk.
They learn to travel
on unbelievably
crowded trains.
Most are at the top
of their class at
cow school.
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You
have two cows.
You engineer them so
they are all blond,
drink lots of beer,
give excellent
quality milk, and
run a hundred miles
an hour.
Unfortunately they
also demand 13 weeks
of vacation per
year.
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You
have two cows but
you don't know where
they are.
While ambling
around, you see a
beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
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You
have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and
learn you have five
cows.
You have some more
vodka.
You count them again
and learn you have
42 cows.
The Mafia shows up
and takes over
however many cows
you really have.
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You
have all the cows in
Afghanistan
, which are two.
You don't milk them
because you cannot
touch any creature's
private parts.
You get a $40
million grant from
the
US government to
find alternatives to
milk production but
use the money to buy
weapons.
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You
have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio
tapes of their
mooing.
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You
have two bulls.
Employees are
regularly maimed and
killed attempting to
milk them.
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You
have one cow.
The cow is
schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow
thinks he's French,
other times he's
Flemish.
The Flemish cow
won't share with the
French cow.
The French cow wants
control of the
Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks
permission to be cut
in half.
The cow dies happy.
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You
have a black cow and
a brown cow.
Everyone votes for
the best looking
one.
Some of the people
who actually like
the brown one best
accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for
both.
Some people vote for
neither.
Some people can't
figure out how
to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of
guys from
out-of-state tell
you which one you
think is the
best-looking cow.
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You
have millions of
cows.
They
make real
California cheese.
Only five speak
English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold
likes the ones with
the big udders.
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Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Marc R.
Subject: Twinkies & Root Beer & God
Twinkies
& Root Beer
& God
A
little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God
lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer
and he started his journey.
When
he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting
in the park just feeding some pigeons.
The
boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a
drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he
offered him a Twinkie.
The
man gratefully accepted it and smiled at boy. His smile was so pleasant
that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.
Again,
the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon
eating and smiling, but they never said a word.
As
it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave,
but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back
to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.
When
the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother
was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did
you do today that made you so happy?
”
“He
replied, “I had lunch with God.” But before his mother could respond,
he added, “You know what? God’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve
ever seen!”
Meanwhile,
the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was
stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked,” Dad, what did
you do today that made you so happy?”
He
replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” However, before his
son responded, he added, “You know, he’s much younger than I
expected.”
Too
often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of
which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives
for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!
~author
unknown~
Send
this to people who have touched your life in a special way. Let them know
how important they are. Have lunch with God!
And
.......Thanks for touching my life!
(Background
music: May The Good Lord Bless and Keep You)
Thanks
for dropping by!
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Wayne
Subject: Just To Make You Smile
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Lisa
Subject: The Good Stuff (From 2004)
Keep this moving,
good stuff speaks for itself.
Samuel
Thompson wrote:
I
don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a
Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.
I
don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high
school teacher taught his theory of evolution.
Life,
liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says
a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not like
somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a
God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field
and the fans going home from the game. "But it's a Christian prayer,"
some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country
founded on Christian principles. And we are in the Bible Belt. According to our
very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than
200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna?
If I
went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.
If I
went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.
If I
went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to
Buddha.
And I
wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome...
"But
what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them? Nobody is
asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just
humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of
ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer.
Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands
what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is
going to shake the world's foundations.
Christians
are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of
all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to
pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us just to pray without ceasing. Now
a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help
us. And if that last sentence offends you, well..........just sue me..
The
silent majority has been silent too long.. it's time we let that one or two who
scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what they
want.. it is time the majority rules!
It's
time we tell them, you don't have to pray.. you don't have to say the pledge of
allegiance, you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.
That is your right, and we will honor your right.. but by golly you are no
longer going to take our rights away .. we are fighting back.. and we WILL WIN!
After all the God you have the right to denounce is on our side!
God
bless us one and all, especially those who denounce Him...
God
bless America, despite all her faults.. still the greatest nation of all.....
God
bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship
God...
May
2004 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the
foundation of our families and institutions.
Keep
looking up...... In God WE Trust
________________________
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