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Welcome
To Our "Forwarded Pages
& Other Goodies" Section |
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Marc R.
Subject: Hillary On Guns
Subject: Fw: Hillary on Guns
Hillary Clinton,
the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for
banning all guns in America. She is considered by those who
have dealt
with her, as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in north Florida,
she asked
the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she
started to slowly
clap her hands, once every few seconds, holding the audience
in total
silence. Then she said into the microphone, “Every
time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
A young voice, with a proud southern accent, (probably
Johnny), pierced the quiet...
“Well,
stop clappin’, ya stupid bitch!”
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Marc R.
Subject: Bambi and Thumper!
Through the lens of
Tanja Askani in Alberta, Canada.
He spotted these adorable little guys in his backyard.
He set up a camera on his porch and wound up getting award winning
photos in his own back yard!
Sometimes friends come from unexpected places,
but they are life's most special gift!
Have a wonderful day!
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Marc S.
Subject: Today's Chuckle....This is pretty funny!
This is one of those
stories where you begin
to chuckle .... then find
yourself laughing out loud.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master,"
reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs?
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do
it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to
"mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-B***H âEUR| F****G %#@!&()+?? âEUR| That hurt like
**% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in
shock!
Note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-B***H âEUR| F****G %#@!&()+?? âEUR| That hurt like
**% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in
shock!
P. S. My wife loved
the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult ???... Just try being
stupid."
Recipient: Cary Jeffries
Sender: Marc R.
Subject: If My Body Were A Car...
You
have to love that good ole Maxine!!!
IF
MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If
my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model.
I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.
My
headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up
close.
My
traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I
slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather.
My
whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.
But
here's the worst of it—
Almost
every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....
either
my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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